I’m still not thinking about you

There’s this line in an Evidence song called “Letyourselfgo” where he says:

I don’t wanna keep in touch / I just wanna start fresh

And I think that’s (sort of) been my philosophy in 2014. From a mental-wellness perspective, I would say I’m about as content as I’ve ever been. I have no problems eating or sleeping or getting through the work day without having some thin-skinned lapse in judgement where I disagree with somebody just for the fuck of it. I’ve been exercising self-control for the most part, though I still have my moments when it’s 2:30 in the morning and I’m tired and I’m hungry and some drunk guy is getting mad at me for not giving him good cards for his little bullshit $5 blackjack bet. But whatever. I think it’s a lot easier to get along with people when I just act friendly. It’s not that hard to be nice to people.

With everyone, though — whether it’s coworkers or people in my everyday life — I tend to operate under a pretty simple code: Be nice to everyone, without anyone really knowing anything about me. I rarely open up to people to begin with, but I’ll always initiate the smile/hello if I were to cross paths with you in a hallway. That’s, pretty much, me in a nutshell.

And still, we’re on this stupid communication sabbatical and I forgot how it started. Maybe it was something I said, or wrote, or something. Over the last year I’ve neglected my personal life as much as possible. I’m so tired and bored by the typical cycles of most people in my age (Generation Z) bracket, which is one of the blessings of being in an industry where most of the people I work with are between 35 and 50. When you have a husband or wife and kids and a house payment and a car payment, you aren’t usually focused on discussing inconsequential bullshit.

Yet, in my own head, I feel like all I ever think about is bullshit. Carrying surface-level conversations with people in real life is easy; it’s when the curtains close where I’m forced to deal with myself, my thoughts. I have a lot of acquaintances, and I can’t think of too many people I don’t get along with, but I don’t have very many friends. And I’m probably too comfortable with that than I ought to be.

I spend my days progressing, gaining experience in the casino industry. I don’t have a ton of time left in my bag to crap it away acting like my 20 or 21 year-old self. I like who I’m becoming.