When I got arrested for DUI in late 2015 I was forced to go through with the usual rigamarole first time offenders experience. California doesn’t really fuck around with those types of things, apparently. Even after spending a night in a drunk tank and sleeping on the smooth almost laminated-seeming concrete floor for a few hours with my head pressed against a pillow convenient roll of toilet paper, the severity of the incident didn’t fully sink in until my lawyer presented me with an official-looking piece of paper that read THE PEOPLE OF CALIFORNIA VS. [MY FULL GOVERNMENT NAME].
So I did what I had to do. I was tasked to spend a Tuesday every week at a program which was like Alcoholics Anonymous but in a classroom-size space. I had to do ten weekends of work release in the middle of summertime where I worked outside raking leaves, cleaning up washes, picking up trash, etc. I had to pay a fine to the city of San Bernardino. I had to get a lawyer. Things like that. I racked up a pretty good bill, and I learned a lot of stuff along the way.
It was kind of an awkward stage in my life. By the time all the legal shit got taken care of I was 26 years old and still working on-call at the casino I’m currently at. I remember when it originally happened I had to go to the Gaming Commission and disclose that I got arrested, which wasn’t fun. I thought I was going to lose my job then and there. Then I had to communicate with my bosses and be like, yeah, well, I need Tuesdays off so I can go to the pseudo-AA place; I need Saturdays and Sundays off so I can go do real work for free under the California sun. And all the while I was putting myself even further into debt.
The first offender program was good for me, because most of the time we just talked about shit. On my first day in the course I had to tell my story, and there were only like four people in the room so we probably dedicated 30 minutes just going over what happened to me. (Later on the classes were filled with 15 people or so, so they’re stories were limited to like five minutes.) And my story was a simple one: it was my best friend’s wedding, the wedding party went to the strip club after, and upon leaving I was pulled over for having tinted windows. It was like shooting fish in a barrel.
What I found most interesting was not what led me into my situation — because as far as these things go I considered it pretty bland and cliché — but more so what gets me to drinking in the first place. For some reason up to that point I never really thought about it. Afterwards I kept having these waves of epiphanies in realtime, like boom, boom, boom, as I not only contemplated what drove me to drink, but how it affected the choices I made once I got going. As someone guilty of having some pretty expensive habits, I realized that there is almost nothing good that ends up happening once I consume my first drink.
I don’t get bored easily, but I’ve generally always considered my sober self to be almost painfully normal and, whether I like it or not, boring. I’m not a good picture-taker or reel-maker for online media platforms; I don’t frequent social gatherings or post dinner plates or my friends and I taking shots; even as a lifelong sports fan I don’t really enjoy attending live games because the whole process from parking to buying concessions to being surrounded my random people is, to me, such a drag.
The things I like to do are mostly private. They are for my pleasure and my gain only. I like to run, I like to read, and I like to write. I like to consume sports, when I am available and not at work, in the living room. There is nothing cool or fun about any of these exercises. I’m sure someone with the capability of creativity could find a way to jazz them up, but again most creative types aren’t doing the things that I like to do.
What I truly get off on is making everyone around me happier, or more comfortable. I think that is the main value I have to offer to the world. Whenever I get to the point where I am not doing that for other people, where I am more of a burden than an asset, where the smiles and good vibes turn into constantly making everything about myself, it’s time to get out. It’s time for me to get out, and for you. I am at my best when I take all the private things I do and use them to project outward, and I am at my worst when I use all the things around me to focus inward, on myself.
As someone who has dealt with substance abuse in the past I’ve always known the answers to what my future looks like. Almost everyone does, even if they keep going through the motions and routines every day. I was once addicted to painkillers and smoking weed and drinking, sometimes simultaneously on the really fun nights. I gave up the painkillers probably about 10 years ago now and never went back. Then it was all about smoking weed and drinking. I cut back heavily on smoking weed back in, like, 2018 or something, and as of a couple months ago I haven’t smoked. But I’m still drinking. That’s the one carryover that I’ve never really let go of.
And I know it’s bad for me. I mean, day-to-day I know it takes some toll on my liver. I don’t consider myself an alcoholic or anything, but very few alcoholics do. I’ve generally always seen it as a win that I’m not taking pills so whatever I’m doing is a win. I go to work, I make money, and I have a few beers every night. That’s hardly AA-material. But it is something that I count on.
And it leads me to making suspect choices. That’s half of what the first time offender program was all about. There’s the What Makes You Drink In The First Place side, and there’s the What Happens Next side. I don’t think I have ever fully come to grips with the first aspect of it all; I imagine it has to do with being a sad teenager/early-20-something. What I am familiar with is the second part, the Let’s Go Gamble, let’s go do this, let’s go do that, let’s let the good times roll. For most of my adult life I have been chasing the feelings of my childhood and latter-teenage years. Replacing those with the sobriety of a fairly normal, fairly boring life has for whatever reason never been enough for me. My life can and is in every way supposed to be easy. I have always been my own worst enemy and created my own conflicts to spice things up, and all of the extracurricular activities I have partaken in have been nearly entirely responsible.
I know that I’m a good man and I will do what’s right. I typically set a good example, anyway, but if and when I have children of my own I know that I’ll only increase my own expectations tenfold. I’m not in the business of asking myself What If I Did This, or What If I Did That. I just do it. I have always done it. I only write this now as a challenge to myself, as a human being, because I don’t want to look back on this blog like I have so many others wondering why I thought what I thought at that time, or why I did not execute on what I knew was necessary.
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