If I could go back to the start of this blog, I would have separated it into two pages: one for sports, where I get the majority of my traffic from, the other for personal nonsense. Sports are my passion and I love them now and for always; as for the personal, it’s about as impersonal as personal gets. So he we go into non-sports…
On Saturday night I had a tire blow out of my STi while I was in Palm Springs, on my way to work. Around 6:15 with the sun down, the weather was a chilly 55 degrees with strong winds, so the whole situation was a bitch. It was a hassle to call AAA, call of work and get towed home. But in a sick way there was some sort of relief I felt from it. After all, the last time I had a significant need to call AAA was when I totaled the last STi I bought — in July — on the night I nearly died. What’s a blown out tire compared to that?
So, today I had to borrow my mom’s van after she got off work to get to dealer school to study craps. Around Thanksgiving when I passed my audition at
In my everyday life, where I am right now is what I prefer. I enjoy my time alone. In the real world, the time I spend in school and at work, there’s a certain switch I mentally engage. I go from an introverted writer to an outgoing, customer service robot. I’ve submitted to this duality, and I really, really love to work in the casino. Like most things, my sensibilities tend to be polarized: I cherish my alone time and can’t picture another profession that’s this much fun.
In my mom’s van was playing Michael Buble’s Christmas album. Normally I would mute it — because Michael Buble — or turn on the radio, but on the ride home it became clear: I miss feeling the feeling of Christmas. I’ve never even heard any of these Buble-versions before and it still brought a rush of nostalgia. I can’t think listen to music around this time of the year without thinking about being a little kid again or, more recently, the women I’ve been with around Christmastime in the past.
I remember back in 2008 where I was for Christmas, who I was spending my time with. I loved it. In 2009 I was probably talking to some random… I remember going out on Christmas Eve to buy a sack, and smoked it while I was wrapping my family’s presents that night. Two years ago I was listening to a lot of John Lennon, visiting a girl a few times a week at the Motel 6 she worked out. Since there was little to no business at that time of the night, her and I would go into a spare room next to the office and smoke cigarettes and drink whiskey and watch movies together. It’s such a weird line to take, but it felt really special at the time. I even remember telling my best friend I wanted her to be my girlfriend.
Times change though, and the weight of commitment has grown heavier over the last several years. I never really realize it until this time of the year, the end of another year, just how much I have and haven’t changed. This year my heart is as open as it’s ever been… I’m an emotional free agent… and yet I see myself as someone who believes strongly in everything I want and next to nothing for everything I don’t. I’ve never seen the world as clearly as I do right at this exact moment in time, but next year I know I’ll feel the same thing so it’s really like life is passing me by.
My path seemed so direct when I was 18. It was so jumbled and confused when I was 19 and 20 and 21. At 22 I was getting there, but I still wasn’t close. The last two years I’ve been better, but especially this year with my new job and the prospects of so much more to come. For so long I was trying to get the psychological aspect of life down pat… I needed to evolve from a teenager into a grownup. I needed to be nice to the people who had my back, making me wonder how they ever stuck it out with me for so long.
Now all of that shit is handled. Now I’m into the business phase of my life. I’d love to have someone to love, but for practicality purposes it’s a blessing I don’t. Cash rules everything around me, and the more people I’m supporting the less of it I’ll have. The game plan now is to accumulate as much now as I can before that phase of life presents itself. If I can survive another two, three, fours years without a wife and kids, there’s serious potential to have enough money stored away to go into business with my best friend on a bar, or a club, or a reasonable facsimile thereof that young people will enjoy.
At 24 with no girl and no kids, I’m in a strong position moving forward. I enjoy being alone because I know exactly what it is I want. When that door closes officially, I will be more focused than I am now by a factor of at least ten to prove my worth.
It’s so selfish to say, but I’m determined to be the most successful person I know. The most successful person from my high school class… the most successful person from all the engineers I went to Virginia Tech with.
At that time, I hope I’m still not satisfied.