Most blogs are already written in my head before they ever hit the computer screen. And it’s once I start writing when I realize just how different it is than the masterpiece I constructed in thought.
One of the unintended consequences to commuting an hour to and from work, which is generally a blessing, is the amount of time I spend stuck in my own head. Being that my job is so public and so customer service-driven, I cherish my time alone as much as the next guy. But seemingly all the time I reach this threshold in my head where enough is enough, and I don’t want to think anymore. I can be so obsessive about tiny details from 5 years ago, and yet I can be so lost thinking what my next move is.
Admittedly, I do still spend a fair amount of time thinking about the past. The day before Trey’s wedding he and I had the most “real” conversation I can remember, where I confessed my overall anxiety from seeing my ex-girlfriend. And he asked why, after 6 years, I’ve yet to move on.
I guess I’ve never really looked at it that way. Because in every other aspect of my life I have moved on. There is a justifiable amount of envy I have for my 18 year-old self, but my present heartache isn’t the same as wishing I was 18 again. I was a spoiled, entitled, self-centered asshole then, and worst of all I believe it’s because I wanted to be an asshole. That isn’t the type of behavior I would ever aim to duplicate.
With a decent head on my shoulders — at least compared to 7 years ago — and a steady job that affords me to live how I want, my current disposition is lightyears ahead. And to be cliché, if you don’t mind, it would make a lot of sense if the reason I am now is because of who I was then. I have basically become the complete opposite, to varying results.
Somewhere that 18 year-old lives, and he’s happy. And a part of me will always be 18, just an ignorant kid who didn’t know life wasn’t a race.
But that’s not me anymore, and I don’t want that to be me. Through all the blogs and all the words I continue to spend recapping my old life, I want to make that distinction.