I’m not thinking about you

Man, sometimes I hate the way I am.

I wish everything was like driving through McDonalds to get some nuggets: Do I want hot mustard sauce tonight, or should I go with ranch? Hmm. Better go with sweet & sour.

In my head, it’s all me. Sure, if I’m in a certain mood — whether it’s quiet, cocky or anything in between — I’m going to act a certain way. There are all kinds of different versions of myself I play when I’m at work and people are gambling at my table. I have to account for all sorts of things, like how old they are, if they are male or female, if they are there to gamble or there to have fun. I cater my vocabulary, my tones, and my facial expressions depending on which demographic I’m dealing with. And it’s an interesting challenge for me — a challenge I enjoy — because there’s always a little variety.

But by the 3:00 am, when I’m making the walk back to my truck to begin the journey home, I realize just how sad and alone I really am. It’s funny that, as a dealer in a casino, it’s impossible to be successful if I’m not friendly and outgoing, when in reality I’m neither of those things. I’m just scared. Scared that if I ever act like myself I’m not going to get where I want need  to be in life. So I’m kind of just an actor all the time…  just looking for an angle.

When I was 18 I was having a conversation with someone, telling them that one day I wanted to be a writer so I could influence kids/people the same ways I was influenced by writers I liked. I haven’t thought about that in probably five years, back when I was young and stupid and full of ambition. For the good I’ve been worth — I’ve had my moments — that was one of the more selfless, beautiful dreams I ever produced. To know there was a time, transient as it was, that my mind was on something beyond myself.

Now I’m 24, though, and I have no wish to pursue being a writer to try and influence anyone who needs influencing. I’m locked in a world filled by nothing but cards and probabilities; there’s no room for superstition. And that goes for any of the infinite idols out there. I just don’t believing anything you are trying to sell me.

To be continued…

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